Apology to Daddy

Dear Daddy,

Ignored

I hate the silent treatment. Hate it. I’ve been mad at you for using it. Honestly, up until you answered my letter on your birthday.

Some readers made comments on the following blog about this being emotional abuse, and that got me thinking. That is typically how I feel about the silent treatment too. But I do believe you love me…so that didn’t make sense.

Over the past couple days I haven’t posted much. That is because I have been going back and reading my entire blog, our letters, and our IM’s.

And I wrote to you and asked you to take me out of this dark place. I am sorry. I am lost without you.

I feel lost without you

What I didn’t say, and should have said is this…. I am embarrassed at my own behavior. I am going to put some blame on my hormones, but overall I was just really acting like a selfish brat who just wanted what she wants.

I know I can be that way, but it was the first time I really saw how ugly it can look and sound.

I am guessing that the reason you didn’t post more on my blog is that you were not wanting to embarrass me in front of my readers? You had every right to. It’s part of why I am posting this on my blog, because my readers have only been hearing my side of this relationship.

And besides that, I was so disrespectful to you. About your sister, about K, and even when I was in the hospital. I was hurt that you weren’t talking to me, but I was out of line being so disrespectful. I don’t know what I was thinking. Other than of myself, as usual from what I saw looking back.

And all this time? It has felt like a month and it hasn’t even been a couple weeks.

I know if we had been together you would have finally worn out my bottom, but since we are not, I am guessing you made the choice because nothing else worked. And because you needed some peace. You even told me that you were exhausted at one point and couldn’t keep having the same conversation with me, and my response was all about me.

That’s tough to read. It’s tough to have to look that girl in the mirror.

I have always thought of myself as a good girl. But I really haven’t been.

I still don’t like the silent treatment. But I have to say that now I get it.

I want to say I’m sorry, but sorry doesn’t begin to cover it.  I want to say please forgive me and talk to me again but I feel like I’m again thinking of myself.

I want to say I’ve learned my lesson.

And of course, I love you.

From a very naughty, selfish, spoiled, bratty little girl who really hopes Daddy will give her another chance one day

She promises to really be better.

 

PS – To my readers:  I am not saying this because I want Daddy to take me back. I do. No doubt.

But the reality is, if you read what I read, you would know that my behavior was terrible.  When she was bad, she was very, very bad…..terrible. Trust me.

 

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8 thoughts on “Apology to Daddy

  1. Ms Mahler says:

    I’m glad that your Daddy and you talked and you can finally understand what was going on and why. I also have major issues with the silent treatment, particularly in online situations where it isn’t clear if ‘the silent treatment’ is intended as a specific punishment or if it just cutting someone off. But if your Daddy felt it was necessary and you, in hindsight, agree with him, then perhaps it has worked oout to the best possible conclusion.

    I do need to respond to this:
    “Some readers made comments on the following blog about this being emotional abuse, and that got me thinking. That is typically how I feel about the silent treatment too. But I do believe you love me…so that didn’t make sense.”

    Please, do not ever fall into th trap of believing that someone who loves you cannot be abusive. I am not saying your Daddy was being abusive. I am saying that most abusers are hurting people they love, and are so broken they don’t know how to stop. The idea that ‘they love me, so this can’t be abuse’ has gotten a lot of people hurt. Please don’t fall into that trap.

    • You make a very valid point. Thank you for pointing that out for me and for others who read this. I did not word that part well at all.

      We have not yet talked, other than his comments on my blog and my own communication. I simply wanted and needed to accept personal responsibility for my own part in this.

  2. hotlilmess says:

    i commend your courage. One of the hardest things in the world is to be forced to look in the mirror when someone else holds it. Coming from quite the little girl, i understand. Please do not beat yourself up,your heart is causing you enough pain. You are human and so is your Daddy,and because nobody is perfect all of the time there is a powerful thing called forgiveness. Little one,forgive yourself. xox

  3. Yuna says:

    I think you and I sometimes think similarly. My instinct was to always find the blame in me for what happened with G, to say that everything was me. And maybe it was. But please don’t think this was solely on you — and I know that you don’t think that, but. I don’t want you to let this hang over you, thinking that you could have been better. It’s all a learning process, as you have reminded me in my whirlwind of emotions regarding G.

    Sometimes I think we’re all just hungry for love. And that kind of hunger can be staggering.

    I love you and I am always going to be here rooting for you, whether you think you’ve been bratty or not. Maybe you were just trying to look out for your needs and what you were thirsty for, which is more than I can say for myself.
    <3

  4. mala says:

    Being ignored is a hard limit for me. I hope you are ok and you are feeling better *hugs*

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