Ever have one of those days where you know full well that you are acting like a crazy person.?…it’s like you are watching yourself in some slow motion bad movie, and you can’t seem to stop yourself. It is a complete train wreck spiraling out of control… Well, I just had two in a row.
First, my ego never got past Sir not wanting to take the key to my apartment. Ego…feelings…whatever it is. I never got past it. And we never had “the talk” about it.
I started feeling that he was acting differently towards me. Not calling me Pet…Just felt distant. I wondered if it was real or my own emotions making me feel this way…I honestly am not sure.
Yesterday I came home at lunch and I saw that he was logged in to IM. His webcam was on. I immediately freaked.
I have major insecurity because my ex cheated on me repeatedly, and online was his method…so after already feeling insecure, it triggered all those old feelings.
Then I really started to be wonder if I had cause to be feeling that way…Was my Sir still looking around? Next thing I knew, I had created a dummy account and was logging in to CM to see if he still had an account. And he did. And he was on.
Now I am really in a tailspin. Sir never told me that he closed his…just to close mine. And that he had closed his on Fet…But he knew I was of the assumption that he had closed it and he didn’t correct me. When we talked about closing mine, we had discussed that CM was really a place for meeting people…so why is he here if not still keeping his options open?
So, I send him an IM and tell him that I see he and his camera are on…. See that he has an active CM account and that I am really hurt. He responds by asking how I am besides that. I told him that I was sorry but not really into the besides that right then..
Yes, I know. Not respectful to Sir.
I hear nothing else from him and so I come home from work and get drunk. Then I write him a letter, pouring out how and why I feel the way I do…and that I want him to decide if he wants to be with me or not basically.
Again he doesn’t respond…so I text him this morning that I guess we are over…among other things. All in all there were probably four or five text messages…even told him I was deleting his number. Which of course I couldn’t do…
Then this afternoon I start my period. Maybe that helps explain a little bit of the crazy.. And I talk to my ex husband, and tell him what his actions did to me. Actually had a good talk and some closure, which was good I think…
Wrote Sir again and asked him for another chance and forgiveness. He says we’ll talk later and would I please relax. I said maybe if you warmed my ass up I could relax But yes, I’ll try.
One thing I don’t do well– Relax.
So… here I am thinking that although I am not happy he still has a CM account, I definitely over-reacted. I also know I am embarrassed again by my own behavior. And I know I still want him. I still want to be his.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. A friend asked me tonight why I am trying to get in the way of my own happiness… I am not sure it’s that. I think it’s fear.
I know I am terrified by how I feel about him already. I’m terrified that he doesn’t or won’t feel the same. Terrified of being hurt–destroyed by the person I gave my heart and soul to.
So… waiting for my chat. Hoping I didn’t blow this beyond repair. Wishing he’d warm my ass up for real. Maybe a crash is the only way to stop a train wreck.