I dreamed of the man who could stop me in my tracks with a look, or a tone of voice….yet, nothing prepared me for the way I would feel inside when it actually happened.
He woke me up early yesterday as he was back in town, and thankfully eager to see me. This alone might have gone a different way for any other person. I love to sleep. I am NOT a morning person. And 5:30 am is early. Yet, when it was him I was excited, happy…and then realized the place was not fit for him. And neither was I. So, I asked for and was granted time to get up and prepare.
Opening the door to him and then being in his arms was the best feeling in the world. I think he is the first man to hug me and then hold, rather than quickly release. It’s such a simple gesture, but it gives me a great comfort to be in his arms….and I am grateful for it.
After we spent some time together, he mentioned that he wanted to get a full body massage soon. I told him after a few seconds that I could give him one if he wanted, and he asked me if I was good at them. I said ” No, I’m terrible” in a sarcastic tone…it was out of my mouth before I even thought it through. He just looked at me for a second, and I think asked me what I said. I’m sure he must have heard me….perhaps just to see if I was stupid enough to repeat it for a second time.
But the look was enough. Instantly I felt shame for talking to him like that. Felt about an inch high. He never had to say a word, but when he asked what I said I said something along the lines of ” I was just being smart.” But the words came out like I was tongue twisted… giving me away I’m sure. He let it go at that. Does he know that I am ashamed and sorry, or is it because our relationship is just beginning? I’m not sure.
Thinking back now, how many countless men have I been disrespectful to without a thought? Just because I could…because they allowed it. All the while wishing that one of them would put me in my place. Not even sure what that meant.
I have some changes to make. Here I go down the rabbit hole. I sure hope he goes with me.